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This is a personal project I thought of while I was sitting thinking of my life and what I am going through, I thought that perhaps if people knew stories such as mine, or yours, we could bring an awareness to different issues in society.
The aim of this project is to do one topic on an issue per month, and we will then dedicated that month to bring awareness to that topic. Each month we will post the new months awareness onto the blog and by the end of the project, we are aiming to eventually exhibit the images, and donate it to the relevant charities.
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March 2010
Shades of See Through - Multiple Personality Disorder
This project is our first and it is Unique, because we didn't do the photo shoot, we got a message from our Group on Facebook from Carrin suggesting we use this condition as a topic, and explained to us that she suffers daily from the effects of Multiple Personality Disorder. Unfortunately she doesn't live in Johannesburg, so she was kind enough to send us her story and some photo on email, which I edited today. I am proud to start our project of this way, with this stunning lady. Welcome to Finding Beauty in Negative Places.
What is MPD, I took this brief explanation off a webpage before I post her story so you can have a better understanding of this condition.
Multiple personality disorder is almost always caused by persistent trauma, or past trauma such as early childhood sexual or physical abuse. When trauma occurs over a long period of time, the affected person may begin to cope by completely disassociating from the events that cause the trauma. This can lead to “alters,” separate personalities within the same person who either are aware of, or are unaware of the abuse. Alters can be childlike, strong, male, or female, and often emerge as a coping device.
Psychiatrists make the distinction between a person having several personalities, and believing they have several personalities. In general, multiple personality disorder is the belief on the part of the patient that several personalities seem to exist within the self. One of the main characteristics of multiple personality disorder is that people seem to “lose” time. They seem unaware that time has passed; yet someone observing them may see them acting in many different ways. The afflicted however, tends to have no idea what has occurred. This generally central personality seems most likely to dissociate if the person is exposed to situations which can evoke earlier traumas, or if the person is still enmeshed in a traumatic situation.
Carrin's Story
Dear Cindy and Lionel,
This was written from the heart. Started it last night and finished tonight.
I`ve embarking on "writing a book" called Shades of See Through, hence the title of this essay.
Shades of See Through
- an introduction –
“What were you thinking?” is the general response.
My reply is always the same... “I wasn`t.”
I wasn`t, she was.
My name is Carrin and I`ve been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder. Diagnosis or not, there`s been something very big and very wrong for a long, long time.
I`ve been diagnosed as Bipolar, Schizophrenic and simply depressive. The MPD diagnosis was made a few weeks ago. The reason I`m sticking with this one is because thus far the medication is working. If the noise is less, or even better, almost gone, I`m happy with whatever you want to call me.
I`m not justifying my misconducts with a label. I`m sorry for and regret the hurt and pain I`ve inflicted on so many around me. I will tell you though that the person that carried out those misconducts wasn`t me. I don`t know myself like that. I`m aware of the person that lies and steals, the person who is oblivious to anyone`s feelings but her own, but she`s not me. Thankfully though on this medication, I can keep her quiet for longer and longer. I don`t need alcohol or drugs to do it anymore, each day I`m a little stronger and a little more aware of me, less so of her. I can`t tell you for certain that it will never happen again. That I`ll never switch over and fly away with her chaos into a world of misbelieve and oblivion, I can only hope.
And try. Try not to listen to the noise when my when my head starts buzzing. Try to stay still. If I stay still, I won`t sink.
I haven`t met anybody else with the same diagnosis, anybody I can identify with. I hope that one day I do. I know there are others, though at the moment I feel like MPD is a label my psychiatrist made up just for me. A label that perhaps helps me feel like I have some place in this world. A label that lets me know that somebody out there knows and understands what I`ve been going through, and that they can help me.
I almost lost my daughter. I see her twice a month now, I hope that soon it will be more often. I`ve lost many good men that tried to help me, tried to understand. They couldn`t though, neither they nor me knew what the hell was going on. I`ve lost friends, good friends. I`ve lost material things too, worth a small fortune, but the relationships I destroyed outweigh any material loss I`ve endured. I`ve lost hours, days, weeks. My dignity, my pride and I shudder to think what else. I don`t remember my escapades with her. I sometimes remember the beginning, the moment I stop thinking and she takes control. But that`s all. I only know what I`m told afterwards. When I`m found or somehow make my way back to wherever I call home at that time.
The man I love now, loves me, and he knows, he understands. He`s been watching from the outside for 16 years and I think he was slightly more prepared than the others. That doesn`t mean it didn`t hurt though. That I didn`t turn his world upside down to the point of gurgitation. I pushed him to the very edge and I can only thank whatever greater power there is out there that I got the help I need before he too left.
My mother killed herself in 1999, I consider myself lucky to be alive. I consider myself lucky that the medical community has advanced to a level where they could help me. I don`t want to be my mother.
I want to be me, just me.
Here are a few Questions I asked Carrin with her answer's
1. Who are you now, and who are you tomorrow?
That all depends on what life throws at me. Strangely enough it`s not the big things that
throw me off balance, it`s the little things. A disagreement with a friend, a can opener that
won`t work, not being able to find my shoes. I know who I am and I like to think I`m a good
person. I believe in respect for all, I believe that all are equal and all deserve love and
kindness, I believe in looking after others and our mother earth. I love, I live, I laugh, I embrace.
who I could be tomorrow though is the complete opposite. I find anguish in life,
dissapointment, pain. I react to that by not caring. By switching off and lending to the chaos
and lies and everything negative that "I" believe life to be. I self destruct and in my dillusion
I believe that I`m taking everyone down with me. Sometimes I do. I rebel, I hate, I lie and steal.
I don`t want to be.
2. Is time an effort?
Yes. Even when I`m "ok", I`m counting down the minutes to when I might not be ok. I sleep
alot to avoid the possibility of that happening. I could kill myself and be done with it, I`ve
tried many times but I think there`s something more out there for me.. I don`t know what.
Maybe I`m counting down the minutes to when I know what that is.
3. Any random thoughts?
Is there a God? I don`t know.. and I don`t think so.
Why am I still here?
Will I ever get better?
What is "better"?
4. Can you explain who you are and who your other personalities are?
I think my answer to Question 1 sums it up. There`s only me.. and this other person.
Two of us. Two too many. I hate her, but it`s hard to let go of her.
5. Do people believe you when you try and explain you have MPD, and when they find out, how do they treat you?
So far nobody has a clue what it is. They`re just grateful that there`s a label which helps them
make sense of it. They can put me in a box and be comfortable again. Those closer to me do
believe me, they`ve been there long enough to know that something isn`t right... but I`m
definately an outsider now. I`m the box that screams "handle with care". Nobody wants to get
too close to that box in case they break what`s inside.
6. Are you capable of looking after yourself as well as you would like too?
No. Not at all. I don`t eat unless somebody picks up that I haven`t eaten and forces me too.
This was difficult to admit, I only did so about 2 weeks ago. I currently can`t get through a
day without a bit of steering and guidance.
7. What is your favorite Music?
Massive Attack! Portishead, Porcupine Tree, Perfect Circle, Fetish, Tori Amos, Marylin
Manson (some), Mozart, Beethoven, Nina Simone... so much. Music is my peace.
8. Do you enjoy any form of Art and what is it?
I draw (badly but I enjoy it), I sculpt and I make jewelry. I love photography but am quite
useless at it. Doesn`t stop me though, creating is something I need, in whatever form.
Even cooking to me is an art.
9. What is your hobby, what do you like to do to take your mind to place of peace?
I play the piano. I don`t have one now though so I draw or make jewelry or just simply be
still while listening to my favourite music. Taking photographs takes me away as well, to
a good place.
10. What made you decide to tell us your story and do you have any words of hope and encouragement to anyone else out there?
I`ve been following your group and blog for a while now and I really respect and admire you,
Lionel and Cindy. Essentially you gave me the courage to speak out loud. I` ve
needed to for so long and you`ve given me the canvas I couldn`t afford or was to scared to
buy.
Words of encouragement... it doesn`t make sense. Life doesn`t. But you`re still here, and so
am I. With extreme anguish comes extreme joy, it`s worth it. Finding the balance is worth it.
Just give it time, and try. Don`t ever stop trying.
Thank you Carrin for being brave enough to share your story and for all your support and effort in what we trying to achieve. You're loved in our eyes...
Cinz & Lionel.
